So, the two of us argued. No surprise, life hasn't exactly been going perfectly. For either of us. Grades is really one huge ass part of it. Practical though. The distance that was somewhat agreed on might be the norm. Not exactly fun, or even borderline positive. But if I want this to work, and I do, I know I can't get too down whenever something happens, or doesn't, appropriately so.
This is supposedly a time of adventure, self discovery, enlightenment, and a precursor to life proper. Here though, it is yet another hurdle. You may only live, briefly, when you score those As and get what you want. Failing so... Life beckons death. Or something.
Right now, I'm just trying to come to terms with facts. Stuff I already knew. Right now, I have to sort myself out to be of any use. I can't be the one that hurts. Both ways. It doesn't scare me that I have to be a rock at times, an anchor. Responsibility, empathy, these come easily. But I'm so often lost within the million things I expect of myself, and what others expect of me.
The GEP has done its good, done its bad. Fair enough. I'm actually looking forward to the psychologist. I think I have to obey her advice more strictly though. Sigh. Sleep is one step.
But my self esteem is another issue. I find myself, through introspection and third person reflection, that I'm quite the hypocrite. Borderline schitzophrenic. Is that how you spell that? I put on this egoistical image, whatever. Pride. But I still hurt like a little bitch when I see my own actions, and position in life. Its hard to accept you're not deemed a failure. Especially when I've felt so for so long.
Despite the overwhelming self negativity, she does me good. This gives me purpose to just do stuff. A break from this rut. And I do feel loved. Most times, whenever I'm not irrational. Its hard to reciprocate. I guess I just am not as strong as I was two years ago. One proclamation after another, I flipped the tables on an old friend. I changed. And for the worse, as i tried to solve my problems.
Perhaps this pandora's box might be resolved, but right now, time isn't right.
This is supposedly a time of adventure, self discovery, enlightenment, and a precursor to life proper. Here though, it is yet another hurdle. You may only live, briefly, when you score those As and get what you want. Failing so... Life beckons death. Or something.
Right now, I'm just trying to come to terms with facts. Stuff I already knew. Right now, I have to sort myself out to be of any use. I can't be the one that hurts. Both ways. It doesn't scare me that I have to be a rock at times, an anchor. Responsibility, empathy, these come easily. But I'm so often lost within the million things I expect of myself, and what others expect of me.
The GEP has done its good, done its bad. Fair enough. I'm actually looking forward to the psychologist. I think I have to obey her advice more strictly though. Sigh. Sleep is one step.
But my self esteem is another issue. I find myself, through introspection and third person reflection, that I'm quite the hypocrite. Borderline schitzophrenic. Is that how you spell that? I put on this egoistical image, whatever. Pride. But I still hurt like a little bitch when I see my own actions, and position in life. Its hard to accept you're not deemed a failure. Especially when I've felt so for so long.
Despite the overwhelming self negativity, she does me good. This gives me purpose to just do stuff. A break from this rut. And I do feel loved. Most times, whenever I'm not irrational. Its hard to reciprocate. I guess I just am not as strong as I was two years ago. One proclamation after another, I flipped the tables on an old friend. I changed. And for the worse, as i tried to solve my problems.
Perhaps this pandora's box might be resolved, but right now, time isn't right.
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